Because we were dewy before dewy was a thing — and we did it with baby oil.
Oh Gen Z, sweet little glazed-donut darlings. We see you with your 27-step skincare routines, your LED face masks, your serums infused with unicorn tears and ethically harvested moon crystals. But let’s be real — y’all didn’t invent skincare. You just made it… expensive.
Back in the 1980s, we had a “routine” too. Was it dermatologist-approved? Hell no. Did it smell vaguely of eucalyptus, gasoline, and Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers? You bet your perky little pores it did. So grab your Aquanet, toss on a Bon Jovi cassette, and let’s rewind to a time when skincare was wild, weird, and a little bit dangerous.
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1. Noxzema: If It Didn’t Burn, It Didn’t Work
There wasn’t a zit in sight that stood a chance against the mighty blue tub of Noxzema. We didn’t dab it — we slathered it on like we were frosting a cake. That mentholated tingle meant it was doing something. Probably. It smelled like Vicks VapoRub’s rebellious cousin and it was cold enough to wake the dead.
Did we know what it was made of? No. Did we care? Also no. It made us feel like we were cleansing our sins and our pores in one glorious, eucalyptus-scented swoop.
Gen Z Tip: Your glow-up doesn’t need to come in a frosted glass bottle. Sometimes, it comes in a plastic tub from Rite Aid and feels like it’s actively fighting your soul.
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2. Bonne Bell Lip Smackers: The Original Lip Plumper
Forget peptides and glosses that sting like betrayal. We had Lip Smackers — and they came in flavors. Real, glorious flavors. Dr. Pepper was elite. Watermelon was a summer flex. And if you pulled a jumbo-sized Lip Smacker out of your Caboodles, you might as well have been crowned Homecoming Queen.
Our lips were glossy, our pockets were sticky, and our innocence was preserved in a thin film of artificial fruit.
Gen Z Tip: Your $38 lip mask might hydrate, but can it make your locker smell like strawberry dreams and middle school secrets? Doubtful.
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3. Baby Oil Sunbathing: Because SPF Was a Four-Letter Word
Picture it: summer, 1987. You, a pool float, and a body so slicked in baby oil you could’ve slid off a Slip ‘N Slide with no hands. Sunscreen? Please. That was for your grandma on vacation in Boca Raton.
We grilled ourselves like meat on a hibachi. We lay out with silver reflectors under our chins like we were trying to make direct contact with the sun. And that golden tan? Chef’s kiss. So worth the future dermatology bills.
Gen Z Tip: Do NOT try this at home. We didn’t know better. You do. But maybe channel the confidence of a woman who willingly basted herself like a Thanksgiving turkey in the name of beauty.
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4. Sea Breeze: AKA, Paint Thinner for Your Face
Toner? Oh honey, we didn’t tone — we scorched. Sea Breeze was liquid regret in a bottle. Swipe it across your face and you could feel the layers of skin surrendering. Your skin didn’t just tingle — it screamed.
But boy, did it feel clean. Clean enough to start a new life under witness protection.
Gen Z Tip: You don’t need to punish your pores into submission. But you do need to know the rush of taking your skin to the edge and back.
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5. St. Ives Apricot Scrub: Exfoliation, 1980s Style
Forget gentle exfoliation. We used crushed apricot pits — basically tiny knives suspended in orange goo — and we scrubbed like we were trying to erase our entire adolescence.
It was aggressive. It was satisfying. And it made your face feel like polished marble… just, you know, kind of raw.
Gen Z Tip: Your enzyme peel is cute. But have you ever sanded off a pimple and your dignity in one go?
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6. Vaseline: Moisturizer, Eye Cream, Lip Balm, Possibly a Snack
We didn’t have multi-step hydration routines. We had Vaseline. That was it. Dry lips? Vaseline. Under-eye bags? Vaseline. Brows out of control? Slap some on. It was our miracle goop — cheap, greasy, and applied liberally with zero shame.
Gen Z Tip: You don’t need a fancy label to glow. Sometimes, all it takes is a $2 tub and the courage to look like you just kissed a frying pan.
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In Conclusion…
We may not have had the science. Or the SPF. Or the slightest idea what we were doing. But what we did have was heart, hustle, and a whole lot of coconut-scented audacity.
So Gen Z — before you side-eye our routines and our questionable choices, remember: we walked so you could serum.
And we did it all with fried hair, orange tans, and a Bonne Bell balm in our acid-washed jean pocket.
Stay dewy, babes. But never forget your roots.
Or your Noxzema.
